As an adult, I found myself in an unhealthy relationship.
When we first met, and got to know each other, things seemed great. We both valued family, eating healthy, and working out. We took turns praying before we ate; he texted me to say Good morning, share a photo, or send a quote. Conversation felt easy, and we enjoyed spending time together. We met each other’s family and friends. I had been single a long time—and as much as I was comfortable being by myself, I enjoyed being part of a couple. It was nice to get a text message at the beginning of the day and have someone to talk to at the end of the day.
But a few weeks into the relationship, he started pressuring me sexually. It didn’t feel like he listened to me. I started to see that some of our larger values didn’t align as well as I hoped. At times, I felt like I was a square peg he was trying to fit into a round hole. After a few months, it became stressful for me, and I ended the relationship.
But there were parts of the relationship I missed. I second-guessed myself and wondered if I could have expressed my feelings better. He reached out, and I said we could spend time together as friends. I was hopeful things would be different and we’d get back together.
I soon discovered nothing had changed. I conveyed how I’d been hurt. He’d make excuses, deflect, blame, or say things that made me feel guilty. We stopped spending time together. I started to heal. Later, I’d remember the good times and qualities, then miss him and second-guess myself again. After a few weeks apart, one of us would reach out, and this unhealthy cycle would repeat. Unfortunately, I let it continue for a year.
My friends knew it was unhealthy and tried to get me to see it. I did see it. Sometimes. Other times, I wavered. I’d remind myself of the good and hope it would change. My sister and a few friends told me to block his number. I’d never blocked someone’s number before. It felt mean and final. After almost a year, I thought about blocking his number and did—for a week, only to worry, “What if he texts and I don’t know?”. I unblocked the number.
The last time it ended, I spent the night tossing and turning. (Not for the first time). He’d been deceitful, and as I thought about what I’d learned, I realized that it gave me a new perspective on recent conversations. I heard God say, “Block his number”. I almost rolled over to do so, then worried, “What if he texts in the morning? What if he calls to apologize?”
I finally fell asleep for a few hours. As I ran the next morning, I knew I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I told myself I was done, but then I would think through “what if” scenarios. I prayed for guidance and heard, “Choose you.”
I realized that every time I went back, although it was for something I thought I missed, I was also choosing him. In a healthy relationship, there is mutual respect, accountability, and valuing each other’s thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and feelings. In this unhealthy relationship, I was choosing hope in him above my feelings.
When I chose myself, I chose to end the manipulation. I was choosing to get off the roller coaster of an unhealthy and harmful relationship. I didn’t want to spend the day, or any after that, wondering if he’d text or call to apologize. The hope was distracting, and I didn’t want to dampen my day. So, I finally blocked his number.
I knew I couldn’t take the next step alone, so I met my best friend and showed her I was deleting his number. Then, I deleted our text message history.
I choose me. I choose healthy. I choose to trust God.
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