I’m in the middle of a busy season at work—so busy that I opted to work half a day on Labor Day, one of LLS’s designated holidays. I knew it would make the rest of the week go smoother. Wow, I’m grateful for that instinct!
On Monday morning, I checked my personal email, and saw a message from Japhanie Gray, a news anchor for the KSAT morning show. I reached out to her a few weeks ago when she returned to the news in San Antonio. I was impressed with her work and also the way she praises God in what she does. I was glad to hear back from her and was excited by her support of our work.
The next day, we talked, and she asked if she could come to my home on Friday to interview me. I gulped but said yes. The week was already busy, and now I had a lot of cleaning to do. I was nervous about doing the interview in my condo. I’ve been updating it, but it wasn’t quite done. I also tend to leave small piles of anything I’m working on (pay bills at the kitchen table, I leave a few papers behind to put away later, etc.) And the small pile of things to do on my kitchen counter had grown into a large pile.
Plus, I was nervous about my couch. I bought a new one when we moved four years ago, but when my cats walk on it, they snag the fabric and use two spots as scratching posts. I was worried about how I could make it look presentable.
So, the next two nights, I shopped for a couch cover (I couldn’t find one I liked) and decorative pillows for the couch (I love the blue ones I found, but they didn’t do much to hide the damage from the cats). I worked during the day, cleaned during the evenings, and went to bed tired but feeling better each night.
The morning of the interview, my eyes opened at 5:00 am. I got up and picked up the last bit. Then I did a yoga workout (such a great stress reliever and good way to relax), had my Friday morning talk with a friend, and went on a walk (God time/talk to focus my mind on the interview). I came home and got ready. I worked for a few minutes, then, as I do before every interview, I prayed for God to guide me and for the words that would come out of my mouth to be His.
Japhanie and her cameraman, Alex, arrived, and we set up in my family room. They were warm and gracious. Alex asked if we could move the small chair beside my couch and if I had another chair I could bring in for Japhanie to sit in while she interviewed me. I was relieved; we weren’t using the couch, and they were so kind in finding a solution without saying anything about it.
The interview was great. Japhanie is an easy person to talk with, and I answered her questions as I would a friend. Afterwards, they wanted to get a few shots of me working, and the cameraman asked to get one of me reading the Bible. It was amazing to be interviewed by a team that shared and supported my expression of faith.
When we scheduled the interview, Japhanie mentioned that she likes to go deep in her interviews. As much as I’m dedicated to sharing my story to help others, I also know that going deep can take a lot out of me. Originally, I planned to take the day off on Friday so I could get ready in the morning and have time to decompress in the afternoon before a PT appointment.
Work was too busy, and surprisingly, I felt fine after the interview, so I worked half a day and then went to PT.
On the way home from PT, I started to question myself. An interview differs from a live audience because I can’t see the audience's facial expressions. I also don’t get to talk to the guests afterward. In an interview, I share the same personal details as during a presentation. In an interview, it feels like I’m speaking to one person, but so many more are listening. That’s the goal. It’s an opportunity I intentionally seek out so we can reach and help as many people as possible. But there’s a different vulnerability that comes from not being able to see the audience. I wonder if what I shared connected with anybody or if I should have said anything differently.
And then there are the other insecurities. My hair doesn’t always do what I want it to. I meant to recheck it in the mirror before they arrived, but I forgot. I worry if it looked okay or if I should have brushed it again. I try to sit up straight but often find myself slouching. I wonder if I was sitting okay during the interview.
These insecurities and questions rolled in the back of my mind as I drove back from PT, picked up groceries, drove home, and started dinner. I got distracted getting some things done, but they began to pop back up as I started to wind down for the night. I knew continuing to dwell on these insecurities wouldn’t do any good – I could no longer fix my hair or adjust my posture for the taping. I needed to let it go.
Instead, I need to dwell on God’s goodness:
How He took this shy girl (see blog) and gave me the courage and passion to share a complex message.
How he opens doors for PIC to share and help others.
How he comforts me and reminds me I’m His child. We all are.
When the cameraman asked me to read the Bible verses, he asked me to read out loud as if I was reading the verses to myself (not looking up at the camera). I was in awe of what happened next. I have shared this section of Psalm 40 in each of our presentations:
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
When I finished, he asked me to keep reading. So I read the rest of Psalm 40 (emphasis added):
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
but my ears you have opened—
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart.”
I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
May all who want to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
“The Lord is great!”
But as for me, I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.
I had chills as I read these. To me, it spoke so clearly of the conversation I’d just had with Japhanie. I always worry I do justice to the message God has given me to share. These verses reassured me I was doing and saying the right thing (I still need to depend on Him for the words to say).
As the insecurities popped up later in the day, I remembered reading these verses, the reassurance they gave me and remembered I needed to let the other worries fade away.
God is so good and always showing us His love for us.
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