When giving presentations, I mention I’m going to share part of my experience in an abusive dating relationship as a way to highlight some of the warning signs. Next, I tell the audience, “It’s not just my story”.
Sure, the details are specific to my story. But, studies have found that 1 in 3 females and almost as many males will experience a harmful dating relationship in their lifetime. So while the details are unique to me, many others have also suffered verbal, emotional, sexual, or physical abuse or stalking.
Over 50% of the time, abusive relationships begin between the ages of 11-24.
Sometimes, I wonder if sharing so many personal experiences in presentations or on social media is odd.
Harmful traits start subtly and are often hard to recognize, especially by teens new to dating. They may be like my teenage self, who had never heard of warning signs, much less knew how to spot any.
These relationships are damaging. They lower our self-esteem and cause many long-lasting side effects. For decades after my relationship ended, I carried shame and guilt that I didn’t understand. During the relationship, I had been taught that the abuse was my fault. If I hadn’t done X, Brock wouldn’t have gotten upset.
No one is supposed to be harmed – whether it’s verbally, emotionally, sexually, or physically. It’s similar to a child who is abused. We know it’s not right and wonder what is wrong with us that’s causing it. We think if we can do better, it will stop. So, rather than ask for help, we work to hide it.
God helped me see it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t cause the abuse. Nothing was wrong with me, and the abuse didn’t change who I was. I finally healed. I let go of the shame and guilt I carried, accepted God’s love, and, in gratitude, felt compelled to help others.
So, I share. I hope what I share peels back the layer to help others understand why warning signs are hard to spot, especially when the relationship has other good traits. I want to help others understand why it’s hard to leave and stay away and how to help.
But most of all, I share so that someone else doesn’t feel alone. In high school, I thought I was the only one in a relationship that often hurt. But studies show that 22% of intimate partner violence is first experienced between the ages of 11-17 years old. It's likely that others in my class may have also endured this kind of pain. We were all hiding in silence. (Studies also show only 30% ever share they were abused).
I couldn't find my voice then to ask for help. I speak up now to help.
Love shouldn’t hurt - by recognizing harmful relationship patterns, we can protect ourselves and support others in building healthy connections.
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