One of the side effects of being in an abusive relationship is developing a victim mentality – when you perceive bad things are going to happen to you.
I’m aware of it, and I’ve worked to overcome it. But recently I felt it in two different situations.
The first was when someone I didn’t know reached out offering to donate to Positively Impacting Communities. At first, I was excited and thought, “What a gift!”. As we continued emailing, they asked for some personal information that didn’t seem relevant. I went from being hopeful to pessimistic. I was frustrated that’s where my mind went with a potential gift coming.
About six weeks went by and we received the check. It was for more than they’d initially indicated and again I wanted to be excited. But things were off and as the bank looked into it, they found it was fraudulent.
I felt like I’d been attacked. I felt violated and anxious. Even though there was no reason to, I felt like I needed to check over my shoulder. I felt like someone was after me. I didn’t know what their motive or end goal was and worried.
Then I caught myself. Even though someone had attempted to harm us, I’d followed the right steps to protect PIC. Realizing that even in a threatening situation, I remained calm, took the necessary precautions, and followed through, helped me feel stronger. Yes, someone had tried to get something from us, but they didn’t succeed. I realized rather than feeling anxious and checking over my shoulder, I could feel good about the outcome.
At about the same time, I had a suspicious spot removed from my shoulder. The biopsy results showed that it was carcinoma and there was still more in my skin that needed to be treated. The doctor called and gave me three options – 1. curettage and electrodesiccation, 2. treat it with chemo cream for a month, or 3. do minor surgery to remove more of the skin. I choose option 3, the minor surgery.
I have a hard time having my blood drawn, and although I knew the area would be numb, I worried about knowing a knife would be used on my shoulder. My instinctive reaction was to wonder why someone wanted to hurt me. The question in my head was even, “Why does someone want to cut me with a knife?” Irrational, I know, but it was my impulse nonetheless.
I stepped back and reminded myself why this was happening – to remove cancer that if left alone would eventually hurt me more. It needed to be treated. The doctor wasn’t trying to hurt me, she was trying to help me.
I reminded myself that I was the one that chose this option. I made the decision quickly while on the phone with the doctor, so I took some time to Google and learn more about my options. I still concluded that the option I felt most comfortable with for treating it was the excision.
Validating my decision and reminding myself why this was being done, helped me see that rather than being harmful, this was beneficial.
I also took steps to take care of myself beforehand – knowing I might not feel well after the procedure, I asked a friend to go with me and drive. I also bought the pads and tape I’d need to change the dressing and Tylenol to manage the pain, if needed.
On the day of the procedure, I was nervous, but tried to start the day as usual with a run and a short workout. While I worked in the morning, I became a little distracted as I thought about the excision that afternoon. I didn’t want a 30-minute procedure to throw off my day, so I paused to take some deep breaths, which I knew would relax me.
The doctor was great during the procedure and kept asking me questions. I know by getting me to talk, she was distracting me from the work she was doing on my shoulder. I’m appreciative of a doctor who not only did a great job removing the rest of the cancer, and stitching my skin carefully to minimize scarring, but also took care of me emotionally during the procedure. And I’m thankful to know the cancer is gone.
These were both good exercises for me to walk through. They serve as a reminder that the next time I perceive something bad, or negative is about to happen, I can step back, look at my options, and decide the truth about the situation and the best way to handle it.
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