Last week, as I ran down a road I’d traveled many times, I was surprised to come to an empty lot. For years, a house had stood here. I was startled to see the house gone. It didn’t seem like that long since I’d run by it. I wondered how it could be torn down, and I didn’t see any of it happening.
Many yard signs on this part of my run celebrate houses over 100 years old. I’m sure this house was built around the same time as the others. Recently, it was for sale or lease. I had noticed some minor work that needed to be done outside the house.
As I continued running, I wondered how the other houses were still in good condition and why this one needed to be torn down. I realized it was probably maintenance.
When buying a house for the first time, it’s common to consider what you can afford and what part of your monthly income can be dedicated to a mortgage. But we don’t always know or consider what to set aside for upkeep. When we buy a house, we’re excited and can’t wait to move in and arrange the furniture or fill the cupboards and closets. We may repaint a room or buy decorations. Over time, even a brand-new house will need upkeep or repairs – a fresh coat of paint, a new floor, new faucets, or an air conditioner replaced.
If we look ahead and plan, we can manage the work needed to keep our house in good condition. This is where I think house maintenance is similar to relationships.
When a relationship is new, it’s exciting, and we look forward to doing things together. We notice the things we have in common and enjoy spending time together. But, just as with a house, things will come up. No relationship is perfect, and there will be things we need to work through.
Just like a house needs regular maintenance – cleaning, air filters changed, fences mended, grass mowed, etc.- relationships need regular care, too.
Things to help build a strong relationship can include:
Making time to listen to each other and talk.
Respecting each other’s opinions and values.
Doing something to show the other person you care.
Supporting the other person in their activities and goals.
Don’t rush the relationship. Take time to learn about each other.
If one person hurts the other, do they apologize? Is it sincere?
Part of dating needs to include looking ahead. What are each of your goals in the future? How do you handle disagreements? How do you each respond to stressful situations? When we start dating, we feel wonderful, but we don’t tend to think of potential “storms”, how we will get through things together, or if this person is someone we can get through those storms with.
It reminds me of one of Jesus’s teachings:
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27
We must build our relationships, and eventually our marriages, with someone who supports us so we can work through difficult things together. When we’re house shopping, there will be many houses that don’t meet what we’re looking for, but there will be one that does. The same is true of relationships. Someone may have several of the qualities we’re looking for, but if something important to us is missing, or if we decide they don’t have some key qualities we’re looking for, it’s okay to move on and keep looking. (Sometimes we hesitate with the thought of being alone, but we're never completely alone.)
Once we find a healthy, special bond with someone, we can maintain it by actively caring for and supporting each other. (For more on healthy relationships, see this post).
Praying for safe and healthy relationships.
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