Last week, I shared the story of Brock lying to me about wrecking his dad’s truck. When I discovered the truth and asked Brock why he had lied to me, he said it was a “joke.”
Years later, I realized that lie was the beginning of the abuse.
When I shared the story on a podcast to highlight one of the first warning signs, the host asked me if it was a sign of an abusive relationship. I paused for a few seconds as I pondered his question.
The joke/lie didn’t necessarily mean that the relationship would become physically abusive, but as I thought about it, I saw ways that Brock didn’t treat me well in that incident.
He intentionally kept me on the phone until 3 a.m. on a school night. Rather than caring about my well-being, he deceived me and made me sleep-deprived for school the next day.
It was the opposite of healthy. Healthy traits in a relationship include caring, being kind and considerate of the other person. Keeping me on the phone for five hours that night wasn’t kind, caring, or considerate. It was manipulative and selfish.
At the time, I didn’t see these things; instead, I was confused. He told me he’d played a “joke” on me and that I’d been gullible.
As I think about the other things he started to do, making fun of my friends and family and then putting me down, I see that I didn’t know what to do with this. I responded. I spoke up for myself. But he often said he was "just joking.” The result was that my self-esteem fell.
Brock wasn’t being kind, and he was dismissing my feelings.
Here’s the tricky part. None of us seek an abusive relationship. We seek relationships. Unless you’ve been in an abusive relationship, it’s unlikely that when you start to date someone, wondering if they’ll be abusive will even cross your mind.
As we start to date, we might have a list of what we’re looking for, such as kind, handsome, dependable, hard-working, etc. We may think of things we don’t want in a relationship, but I think these are usually things that don’t complement our lifestyle. For example, I don’t smoke and wouldn’t seek someone who does. But we don’t usually have a list of harmful traits to steer clear of.
Before we begin to date, it’s helpful to think about harmful traits so they’re easier to identify if they occur. Many of these can be subtle.
Here are a few examples:
Wants to spend most of their time together
Frequently calls or texts the other person
Dismisses or doesn’t care about the other person’s feelings
Does not respect their partner’s beliefs or values
Makes the other person feel guilty
Not willing to compromise
Is suspicious or jealous
Doesn’t accept responsibility for their actions
Lying to the other person
Has limited outside interests or friends
Gets upset easily
Uses a loud voice, harsh words, or insults to hurt the other person.
See this page for more examples.
Keep in mind that just as a list of what we’re looking for can’t be an “Everything” list, neither can the “No” list. If something doesn’t feel good, we need to dig in and ask ourselves questions to discern what doesn’t feel right and why. Then, we can determine if it’s the right relationship for us.
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