After Brock and I had been dating for a few weeks, he called me one night as I was getting ready for bed. He told me he’d been in an accident, flipping and totaling his dad’s truck.
Brock told me he was worried about what his dad might do to him and asked me to stay on the phone so his dad would leave him alone.
I was sixteen, and it didn’t cross my mind that if Brock’s dad wanted to talk with him, all he’d need to do was say, “Get off the phone.” Instead, I wanted to help my boyfriend, so I turned off my lights and burrowed under my covers so my parents wouldn’t hear me talking to Brock.
As the night progressed, several times, I told Brock I thought his dad had probably gone to bed (it was a weeknight, and I knew he had work the next morning). Each time, Brock said, “No, I still hear him,” and asked me to stay on the phone. So, I continued to talk with him. At 3 a.m., we finally hung up the phone.
Exhausted, I went to school the next day. But Brock wasn’t there, and I was worried about him. I didn’t think to tell an adult. Instead, I asked my best friend to go with me to his house after school and check on him.
When we turned the corner onto his street, I saw the truck sitting in the driveway without a scratch on it. I was confused and upset. I was mad that Brock had lied to me the night before. I was embarrassed that my friend knew how worried I’d been about Brock and that it was all a lie.
I walked up to the door, and as Brock opened it, he was laughing. Not just laughing – laughing at me for the “joke” he’d played on me. He thought it was funny that I was so gullible.
I was hurt and upset and asked Brock why he’d told me a lie and kept me on the phone so late. He continued to tell me it was a joke and often responded, “Can’t you take a joke?”
I didn’t like being the brunt of this “joke”. It didn’t feel good. I kept trying to explain that to Brock, hoping he’d apologize, but he just kept laughing and telling me it was a joke. I finally realized that his response wasn’t going to change. I didn’t know what else to do and wondered about breaking up with him.
Up to this point, I liked dating Brock. I enjoyed spending time with him and talking with him on the phone. We’d done fun things, like going to a Haunted House with my friends.
I didn’t know if his “joke” was enough to break up over. And so, I gave up telling him I was upset.
Disappointed and embarrassed, I got back in the car with my friend. I think the embarrassment held me back from talking about it. I don’t remember giving it much thought until many years later when I looked back at the relationship and tried to find where the abuse had started – it started with this lie.
What could I have done differently?
In that moment, I felt like I had to make a decision, and up until then, I liked the relationship, so making such a definitive decision felt BIG. Too big to decide in the moment. But I wish I had talked about it with my friend or a trusted adult. Getting perspective on it when I was calm, and then making a decision may have helped.
I wish I had reflected on it later. Brock was telling me he’d played a joke on me. But he wasn’t; he intentionally deceived me. I didn’t realize this until many decades later, once I took the time to think about it.
I think that’s the key – reflection.
So often, especially when a relationship is new and we’re excited, we get caught up in it. We spend a lot of time with the other person. We see the other person’s good qualities and may overlook or dismiss questionable qualities.
It’s important to get to know the other person slowly, to learn about them, and to make time to reflect on how we feel about them and the relationship.
It’s also important to understand that just because a relationship feels good in the beginning, it may not turn out to be the right one for us. If we begin to see that, take time to discern. Even if they check many of the right boxes, if other things don’t feel right or you don’t like, it’s okay to decide it’s not the right one for you.
The right relationship is out there.
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