In the last post, I wrote about my struggle to leave, and then stay away from, a dating partner who was harmful for me.
Why was it so hard to stay away from someone who wasn’t healthy for me? There are a variety of complex reasons why I stayed in a harmful relationship or found it hard to stay away. I’ve shared some of those reasons in a previous post. There’s also something psychologists call a Trauma Bond.
Trauma Bonds occur when a relationship starts well. The new partner may shower the other person with statements of affirmation, affection, gifts, or service. Then, the partner works to manipulate or control the other person by pressuring them, putting them down, using derogatory messages, or yelling. Often, the abuse is discreet, especially with harmful verbal or emotional traits.
The relationship felt great up to this point. Now it’s confusing and feels “off.” The victim may voice concerns, which are often dismissed, or start to feel like they are walking on eggshells to keep or get the relationship back to the state where it felt good.
Next comes reconciliation. This phase can involve apologies, blaming or guilting their partner, or returning to the “honeymoon phase.” Then a phase of calm begins. This is when the relationship seems to return to what was felt in the beginning. But after “balance” seems to be restored, the cycle begins again.
I’ve often referred to the abusive dating relationship I was in during high school as dating Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyll. Each time Brock abused me and then I apologized, I hoped it would be the last time. I compartmentalized and stayed in the “good” and tried to forget about the bad times. Of course, this didn’t serve me well.
To leave, the trauma bond needs to be broken.
In my high school relationship, each time Brock got angry with me, he told me it was my fault. I’d talk to someone he didn't want me to, wore something he disapproved of, etc. It seemed like the anger was an immediate reaction that he couldn’t control. Then one time, we spent a pleasant evening together, and on the way home, he “punished” me for not being ready when he arrived to pick me up. It took me a while to process this difference. But I started to see things differently. This time, it wasn’t a reaction; it was planned. This realization began to chip away at the trauma bond. It still took me some time to leave the relationship – Brock had been a big part of my life for three years, and leaving him was a big decision. But after two months of contemplating, I found the courage to leave him.
Three decades later, I found myself in a relationship that seemed wonderful but then wasn’t. I poured through lists of healthy and unhealthy character traits. I finally realized I didn’t like how I felt in the relationship. I didn’t feel like me. Realizing that gave me the courage to leave the relationship, but I had trouble staying away. I always hoped the good part of the relationship would return.
He’d reach out, and I hoped he had changed and things could be better. He would be thoughtful and attentive and plan fun dates. But as we talked, I saw the character hadn’t changed. The pressure and coercive traits were still there. Rather than apologize for hurting me in the past, he wanted to jump in where we left off. I tried to talk with him about it, but his response was usually to blame or guilt trip me. I’d leave again.
Sometimes, when we were apart, and I was adjusting to being alone, I’d read through our text messages. I liked getting a Good Morning text from him. I’d read through a nice conversation and think it wasn’t all bad. I’d ruminate on the good times and question if it had really been as bad as I thought. I’d reach out and the cycle would start again. The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports, “On average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good.”
When I was hurt for the last time, and knew I wanted to break free, I realized I finally needed to block him, but I also knew it was essential to delete the complete text history with him. I didn’t want to turn to that in a weak moment and get sucked back in.
Looking back, I realize I broke the trauma bond in my adult relationship by:
Reviewing the warning signs of harmful relationships
Recognizing the tactics he was using – blame, guilt trips, manipulation, dismissing my feelings
Spending more time by myself to think about the relationship
Talking with a safe and trusted friend and sharing my concerns (Note: I needed someone patient as I worked through my feelings and who wouldn’t victim shame me)
Recognizing how I was feeling in the relationship
A trauma bond is difficult, but it doesn't define you or your future relationships. Learning about them is part of the healing process and helps us avoid harmful relationships in the future. For additional information on Trauma Bonds, the Mend Project has a great article that goes into more detail.
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