Unhealthy, Harmful, or Abusive?

As I write the blog posts, sometimes I debate about how to label a trait I was exposed to or a relationship I was in.

No one wants to be in an abusive relationship and afterward, it’s hard to label it that way. It’s hard to say we were abused by someone we cared about.

I think it’s even harder to label emotional or verbal traits as abusive because in general, we stereotype abuse as physical abuse. But the truth is emotional and verbal abuse causes just as much emotional and mental harm as physical abuse and takes a long time to heal.

I was in an abusive relationship for three years as a teenager. He abused me verbally, emotionally, then physically and sexually. The physical abuse was evident. It was easier to label it as abuse.

It took me decades to see and understand that the put-downs, derogatory comments, ways he made fun of me, and lies to manipulate me were emotional and verbal abuse. It damaged my self-esteem, isolated me, and I was often sad (later I realized it was depression from the abuse).

As an adult, I dated a man who didn’t respect my values or boundaries, his compliments were out of proportion (love-bombing), he made fun of me in subtle ways, and when I remarked that a comment bothered me, he responded that he just thought the thing about me was “cute”. (He was dismissing rather than listening).

He had seemed great in the beginning. There were many traits I liked, appreciated, and even valued in him. As subtle things started to bother me, I read over lists of healthy, unhealthy, harmful, and abusive traits. I didn’t want to be in an abusive relationship again. I weighed the traits I saw on the healthy and unhealthy lists. I hoped it was a healthy relationship, but it wasn’t.

As I write, I often label some of the traits as unhealthy or harmful. I wonder if it’s me. Am I ashamed to say it was abusive? I worry I’m doing a disservice to others by calling it harmful rather than abusive.

The truth is complicated.

We all have healthy and unhealthy traits and so do our relationships. But if a relationship has more unhealthy traits or is causing us harm it’s not healthy and we should leave it. It doesn’t matter if a trait is labeled as unhealthy, harmful, or abusive – knowing it hurts you or isn’t good for you is enough. Note: Rather than just considering the healthy and unhealthy traits, thinking about how you feel in the relationship can also help you discern and decide. (For more on this see our blog about Internal Cues)

Abuse is often subtle and tears down our self-esteem in ways we don’t realize while in the relationship. When we get out of the relationship, we can feel numb, or confused, then as we start to recognize the tactics our partner used, we can be angry, unsettled, shocked, or many other feelings. We didn’t see the abuse for what it was during the relationship, it’s only with time and distance we can start to see it for what it was.

At first, I thought the man I dated had unhealthy traits. After we broke up, and I was able to see things more clearly, I realized the traits were not just unhealthy, but harmful. With time I came to acknowledge that a person who didn’t listen to me, didn’t respect my values and boundaries, and was deceptive in several ways, was abusive. It took time to come to this realization and to acknowledge it. It was difficult, but an important step in the process of healing.

What mattered was recognizing the relationship wasn’t good for me, removing myself from it, and taking the time to heal from it.  As I worked through the healing process, labeling the relationship as unhealthy or harmful instead of abusive gave me a level of protection. As I continued going through the steps of healing, eventually I came to a place of acceptance – accepting what happened to me, accepting my choices while in the relationship, and eventually accepting it for what it was.

So what are traits of healthy, unhealthy, harmful, or abusive relationships?

Again, it’s more complicated than we think.

All relationships have traits that are healthy and unhealthy. There isn’t a straight answer and it’s different for everyone. The key is balance and how we feel in the relationship.

Consider ice cream for a minute. It’s full of sugar and fat and tastes great. In moderation, it can be a good treat to enjoy within a diet of healthy food, including fruits and vegetables. But, even in moderation, it may hurt someone’s stomach. If we’re okay eating it but begin to have it every day, the extra sugar and fat in the ice cream may cause harm. I like ice cream so much, I’ve been known to eat ice cream instead of dinner. If I do this on a nightly basis, trading healthy food for unhealthy food, the extra sugar and fat can lead to diabetes, becoming overweight, high cholesterol, or other ailments. In essence, it becomes abusive to me.

The same can happen with something healthy in nature. I love to run and it’s good for my health. When my kids were little, I would run on the treadmill after they’d gone to bed. Sometimes they’d get up and come to find me to ask a question or had trouble sleeping. Sometimes I was short or frustrated with them. I recognized the time wasn’t working and switched to running on the treadmill in the morning before they woke up. That way I was relaxed with my kids and had time for the conversations instead of getting frustrated a run was interrupted. While running is good for my health, if I run every day, I’m likely to wear my body out and can become prone to injuries or overuse. Balance that makes me feel good and allows me to be my best with others is the key.

Friends and Family Outside the Relationship

If you’re outside the relationship and observe what you think is an abusive trait or relationship, it’s important to be sensitive to your loved one who’s in the relationship. As mentioned above, they may not be ready to hear the term abusive.

When I was dating the person mentioned above, and shared some of my concerns with a friend, she responded in a way that felt aggressive to me. She told me he was manipulative and that I should know better. I had come to care for him but began to feel uncomfortable in the relationship and was timid in sharing the details. When she responded in a way that felt aggressive to me, I shut down and stopped talking about it. I had wanted affirmation of my feelings, not accusations of his character. When you care about someone and they start mistreating you, it’s confusing and hard to share with others.

Even if you think that is what is happening when you approach your loved one, it may help by saying something like, when X does Y, it doesn’t seem like a healthy trait. I’d rather see them treat you… The person you approach may be more receptive to the gentler language.