I met Smith on a dating app. After messaging a few times, we met for a date. I enjoyed spending time with him and was excited when he asked if he could see me again.
He texted two days later, asking me to go on a date that weekend. I was surprised to hear from him so soon but was glad he was upfront about his interest in another date with me. Later that week, he texted me, saying he didn’t know my favorite color or flower. I was unsettled reading it. I thought, “Those are things you learn about a person organically over time.” I showed it to a friend to get her perspective. She thought he was trying to be cute, so I brushed it off.
Our second date was also nice, and he asked to see him again, and I said yes. On Monday, he texted me before my workday began to say hello. The rest of the week, he sent a text each morning. Nothing big; just to say hello or share a quote. At first, I was a little annoyed. I wasn’t used to what felt like a disruption in my morning. But then I thought about a previous relationship I’d been in, where the other person didn’t communicate much, and I decided I liked hearing from someone vs. not.
It had been ten years since I’d been on a date. When I joined the dating app, I was worried about whether I had time to date. I wondered if I had time to spend with someone and what I’d need to adjust in other parts of my life.
I also knew I wanted to go slow and get to know the other person. I knew it’s only with time that we can see a person’s true character traits.
We went out a third time, and I was getting used to the cadence of dating. I liked going on a date once a week and talking a couple of evenings by phone. It fit in, and I was still able to take care of my other responsibilities. I knew if we continued dating, we'd grow to see each other more, but I was comfortable with our pace for now.
After we’d dated for a few weeks, Smith asked me to join him on a Saturday to go to church and have dinner with his friends. I was flattered, but I already had other plans to spend time with family that evening. I thanked him but declined and said I’d like to go another time.
As I was leaving my family’s house that Saturday, I was thinking about Smith and debating on calling him when my phone rang. It was Smith. He asked if we could meet and talk. I wanted to get home early that night and at first declined, but he asked a couple more times and torn, I agreed.
When we met, we talked for about two hours. During the conversation, Smith said he liked me and wanted to start spending more time with me so we could get to know each other better and decide if this was a relationship we both wanted to pursue. At the time, it made sense, and I agreed. I was even excited about it when I talked with a friend later and mentioned how the dating relationship was progressing.
I overlooked a few things that night:
He felt neglected because I turned down a date with him that Saturday. However, spending time with family and friends outside the relationship is healthy.
While it had been three weeks since I’d met Smith, we’d only spent a few hours together and had a few phone calls in between. We didn’t need to jump into going on a date every Friday and Saturday night.
I was trying to maintain healthy boundaries, slowly get to know someone, and adjust my life as I saw fit and wanted to. I let him push past my comfort level.
In hindsight, I was probably a little drained from a two-hour conversation that night. It would have been okay to say, “I understand your feelings. I need time to think about it and will let you know soon.”
When I met Smith, he was interesting, and I was excited to learn we shared similar values. He seemed kind and respectful, and I enjoyed talking with him. I was also flattered that he was interested in pursuing a relationship with me.
But he wanted to move the relationship forward quickly rather than take our time to get to know each other. He also wanted to bypass time for our individual interests and time to ourselves to discern.
Balance is healthy, especially when a relationship is new. When we get caught up and move forward too quickly we can miss important signs.
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